Curricular Activities
by JKWhite
Summary: The group gets an unusual assignment, resulting in lots of awkwardness, chaos, and... maybe something more.


**A/N: **I had a dream the other night with a plot so ridiculous it was like a horrible fanfic. So I decided to turn it into one.

Apologies.

**Warnings: **May contain sex ed, steamy kissing, horrible writing and clichés, bad puns, a_ lot_of awkward, much AU-ish-ness, and more. For example, the Golden Trio is at Hogwarts for their seventh year, and Ron and Hermione are not together. And I feel like there should probably be more warnings involved here, but I can't really think of what. Read it anywayyy, you know you want to. ^_^

Also contains Sex-God!Malfoy and Grade-Obsessed!Hermione.

**Rating: **Anyone who's had middle school health could _probably_ handle this, but I'm rating it M to be safe. I feel like middle school health wouldn't be rated T.

**Genres: **Parody, Romance, Humor. (I had trouble selecting just two, if you think I should change it to a different two, let me know!)

**A/N: **Sorry about the long intro. We can do the story now.

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**Curricular Activities **

"For the next chapter, you'll need to be with a partner," explained Professor Marbaline.

Hermione flipped ahead in her textbook to see what the next chapter would cover, and her eyes widened. Well then. This would be awkward.

The next chapter was about sex.

No, this wasn't Potions class, or even Transfiguration. This was a health class, tacked on to every Seventh Year's core classes. It was a new class, added by the new headmaster whose teenage daughter attended a muggle public school.

Just accept it; it's the premise.

Professor Marbaline went on. "Partners will be assigned. When you hear what your project will entail, you may feel that you should be allowed to choose your own partners, but this will not be allowed because it is a plot convenience." She looked at the class with raised eyebrows, as if daring anyone to object. No one did, although Hermione shrunk a little in her seat with dread.

Partners were announced. First Ron was paired with Padma Patil, then Neville Longbottom was paired with Luna Lovegood. Poor Harry ended up with Pansy Parkinson.

And then Hermione's name was called. She looked up uncertainly, but it appeared she was the second name called of the pair. She'd been so busy consoling Harry that she hadn't heard her partner's name. But judging by the gasps of her friends, she could tell she wasn't going to be happy about it.

"Who'd I get?" she hissed to Ron, who sat next to her.

He looked at her sadly. "Malfoy," he said.

Across the room, Malfoy's expression mirrored Hermione's own horrified one. Blaise Zabini snorted. "Come on, that was so predictable," he said to his friend. "You didn't actually expect to get someone decent, did you?"

"Well, no," muttered Malfoy. "But why her?"

"Because she's the good girl of Gryffindor and you're the bad boy of Slytherin, and it makes for an interesting pairing," he said.

"What?"

"Nothing. I sympathize." Zabini returned his attention to the teacher, still waiting to hear his own name.

"And as we have more boys than girls, Blaise Zabini will be with Gregory Goyle," said Professor Marbaline, after everyone else had been paired.

Blaise grinned. "Excellent," he said. Malfoy glared at him.

Then Professor Marbaline began to explain what the rest of the day would entail. "Now, the next chapter we will cover is about sex," she said, turning about half the class pink and giggly with her words, "and I thought that the subject matter the book covered was a bit dull. All about birth control and anatomy and babies and rubbish like that. I thought that as long as we're on the awkward topic, you may as well learn something useful. So today, you are going to learn how to have sex."

The silence that followed was deafening. More deafening, even, than that cliché. Which really wasn't deafening at all, actually. Just... Cliché. But the silence really was deafening. Although not literally. Metaphorically.

Anyway.

"There won't be a practical exam on this, will there?" asked Hermione in a hushed voice that carried easily over the lack of any other sound.

"Of course there will," was the teacher's cheerful reply. "But don't worry, you'll have plenty of time to practice."

Hermione went red. Malfoy went white. Zabini went green. And the rest of the class went interesting combinations of the three.

"Is she serious?" said Harry.

Ron looked at him. "Of course not," he said. "For one thing, she's a girl." His comment was met by blank stares. "Well, Harry's godfather wasn't a girl," he muttered.

Hermione groaned. "Ron, this is not the time!" she said. "It's also probably one of the most over-used jokes in the history of Hogwarts. Or fanfiction."

Ron shrugged. "I was trying to lighten the mood," he said.

"I'm going to have to have sex with Draco Malfoy and you're trying to lighten the mood?" she snapped.

Ron lowered his head. "I see your point."

"At least he'll know what he's doing," Neville pointed out.

"And at least you're not cheating on anybody," added Harry. He looked miserable.

Ron choked a bit as he remembered that Harry was, in fact, dating his sister. Er, dating Ron's sister. Not Harry's. Harry didn't have a sister. And also wasn't into incest. Anyway, Ron choked a bit, but before he could say anything, Professor Marbaline was talking again.

"Can you all please find your partners?" she called over everyone's objections and frantic complaints.

"Wish me luck," mumbled Neville as he made his way over to the Ravenclaw side of the room.

No one did. They were all filled with the same dread and too focused on their own problems.

Hermione followed Harry to the Slytherin corner, practically in tears. This couldn't be happening to her. She was about to lose her virginity to Draco Malfoy... for a grade!

She wouldn't do it, that's all. She would refuse to do it. She raised her hand. "Professor Marbaline?" she called. "I would prefer to take a zero on this assignment."

Silence descended on the room once again. Hermione Granger _never _took zeros. It was even more shocking than if the teacher were to randomly announce that the entire class would be practicing how to have sex today.

Oh wait...

Marbaline looked at Hermione sternly. "If you take a zero on this project, I'm afraid you will lose your standing as the student with the highest grades... to Mr. Malfoy," she said.

The class gasped collectively.

"Well, I'm sure Malfoy doesn't want to have sex with me any more than I want to have sex with him, so we'll both take a zero," said Hermione, blushing brightly every time the word sex crossed her lips.

Marbaline opened her mouth to answer, but Malfoy cut her off before she could begin. "Speak for yourself, Mudblood," he said, leaning back in his chair and propping his feet on the desk in a manner he surely thought was slick and sexy. "But if you wimp out and take a zero, that kind of eliminates my problem doesn't it?"

"Miss Granger, what is it that makes this assignment less important to complete than any other assignment? Is generating future wizards and witches less important than turning a matchbox into a rat? Or charming a pot to sing the alphabet?" Marbaline was looking slightly angry.

Hermione closed her eyes, willing herself to gain strength. She supposed it just came down to the tricky question of which she valued more, her virginity or having better grades than Draco bloody Malfoy.

Malfoy was watching her with a smirk on his face. He knew she wouldn't do it. She couldn't possibly value her grades so much that she'd have sex with him. He was almost guaranteed passing her grade-wise _and _getting out of doing this awkward assignment.

There was no question. He wondered why she was taking so long to decide.

"Fine, I'll do it," she finally spat out. "It's just for a grade."

"Good girl. Everyone else is in the same boat you are, dear. You're old enough now." Professor Marbaline beamed as Malfoy gaped.

Harry leaned over to Ron. "I like how she assumes we're all virgins," he whispered.

Ron turned very slowly to face Harry, his expression so unreadable it spoke volumes. "We are," he said. "...Aren't we?"

Harry, reading those volumes, answered quickly, "Yes, of course _we _are. I was, uh, talking about Malfoy and them."

"Right." Ron smiled. "Of course you were." As he turned away, Harry let out a breath of relief. That had been close.

"Now, we're wasting time," said Professor Marbaline. "Get with your partners."

The class shook themselves out of the sort of shock they'd been in since they heard Hermione agree to have sex with Malfoy and moved to go sit with their partners, some looking happier than others.

Vincent Crabbe, for instance, looked infinitely happier than his best friend Gregory Goyle. Crabbe was paired with Lavender Brown, who he'd had a crush on since third year. Lavender looked less pleased.

Goyle, on the other hand, looked slightly sick. "I think _I'll _take a zero on this one, Professor," he said.

Marbaline sent a death stare his way, but didn't try to persuade him otherwise. She knew he wouldn't care enough about his grades, and the story wasn't supposed to be about him anyway. Zabini promptly looked considerably less sick, and he smirked at Malfoy. Malfoy looked to be on the verge of taking a zero after all.

But he couldn't very well quit now, not after Granger had decided to go through with it. He had to be as strong as Granger. Besides, this was sex! He knew this! It was probably the one thing he knew he could do better than she could. Well, that and flying. Wait no, he was better than her at everything, she just happened to be a know-it-all brownnoser and that was the only reason she had always got slightly better grades than him. Or at least that's what he liked to tell himself.

Marbaline finally got around to acknowledging Goyle's refusal to participate, after kindly waiting for Malfoy to finish thinking important, character-developing thoughts. "Very well, Mr. Goyle," she said. "You'll have to learn through observation. As for you," she turned to Zabini. "You are now without a partner. That's very convenient, because I need an assistant to help with demonstrations."

"Absolutely not." Hermione had never seen _anyone _look that sickened.

The teacher looked disturbingly sad. "You'll take a zero as well then, Mr. Zabini?"

"Yes." Blaise walked out of the room very quickly, hand over mouth. The class giggled uncertainly. Malfoy was now rather grateful that Hermione hadn't chickened out after all. Even the mudblood would be better than this perverted teacher.

"Now then," Marbaline cleared her voice. "Can I have everyone remove any clothes that might be covering the lower body?"

Pairs met or avoided eyes as they slowly and carefully stripped themselves of their robes.

Then, "Wait!" cried Hermione, reaching the same conclusion Malfoy had. "If I take a zero, will you use Malfoy for your demonstrations?"

Malfoy winced.

Professor Marbaline smiled. "No," she said. "Because the plot of this story relies on you actually doing this assignment. I can't have you finding ways to get out of it."

Malfoy smirked.

Hermione lowered her head, defeated. "Oh," she said. And the stripping resumed.

As Malfoy pulled his boxers from his hips, Hermione couldn't help a quick peak. But once her eyes fixed on his crotchical region, she found herself unable to tear them away. Which was odd, considering it was Malfoy's crotchical region she was staring at. And considering she was Hermione Granger, asexual bookworm. (Not to be confused with 'a sexual bookworm,' which is pretty much the exact opposite.) And considering it was actually sort of gross, and didn't look anything like she had been lead to expect.

Unfortunately, Malfoy noticed the direction of her stare. "See something you like, Granger?" he asked, with the same voice he'd used in the last fanfic with that line.

Her eyes shot up to meet his. "No! I was just..."

Marbaline cleared her throat once again. "Is everyone ready for our anatomy lesson?" she asked.

Hermione realized that while she was busy being distracted by Malfoy's stuff, everyone else had finished stripping. She hurried to remove the remnants of her own clothes, under the embarrassingly critical eye of her partner, and crossed her legs protectively.

Even though she'd gotten no answer to her question, Marbaline went on. "We'll start with the male anatomy," she said. "Boys, if you would please sit on the edge of the desk for easier viewing?"

"What the hell?" someone muttered, but everyone did as they were told.

Ron's hands itched to cover himself from the shifting eyes of his partner, Padma. No girl had ever seen him so exposed before, and he really wasn't too keen on her being the first. Not that he didn't like her, but... he didn't _like _her. Not that way. And she was trying to be as polite as she could about it, looking away and focusing on his face, but that really just made it worse. He almost wished he was one of the people paired with worst enemies. With Padma being so nice, the whole thing was even more embarrassing. Plus, the way she was staring at him, all understanding and sympathetic, added more awkwardness. There was a little bit too much connection going on between them, and it made Ron even more uncomfortable than he would have been if he were sitting half-naked on a desk under other circumstances.

Across the room, Lavender voiced Ron's thoughts with a wailed "this is sooo awkward!" but her wail probably had more to do with Crabbe's apparent arousal than the intimacy of the situation.

"Now," proceeded the teacher as if she couldn't hear their objections, "the long bit in the middle is called a _penis."_ She pronounced the word carefully, with emphasis on each syllable as if it were a foreign word. "If you're having trouble remembering the name, just remember that the _penis is _where the _pee_ comes from," she said.

Draco buried his head in his hands as the terrible voice droned on and on, painfully embarrassed. Not only was Granger staring at his nether regions, but the atmosphere was so much the opposite of sexy that he wasn't even in his element, despite his expertise on the subject. He had to admit that naiveté had an advantage, in these particular circumstances. Sort of.

Hermione, on the other hand, was just plain surprised at how useless the teacher was being. If she was going to be exposed to such embarrassment, she expected to at least learn something. So far everything Marbaline was telling them was stuff she'd learned when she was two, and it was pissing her off.

But the lecture didn't stop there, oh no. Marbaline went on cheerfully with "You can see that there's more going on down there than just the _penis_. The rounded sack-like things under the _penis_ are called _testicles."_

Draco suddenly had the horrible thought that she might somehow give them a memory aid relating his balls to popsicles, but thankfully it appeared to be only his own head that went down that gutter. Instead, her memory aid was "Remember, the _testicles_ will be featured on the _test!" _

There were a few groans at her terrible attempt at humor. No one was in the mood for puns right then.

"Girls, take this moment to examine your partner's _penis _and _testicles_." Blushing deeply, they did. Hermione wished Marbaline would stop using the word 'partner'. The word had certain connotations for a classroom situation, and completely different connotations for a sexual situation. The sexual connotations were winning in her mind.

Marbaline went on. "During _arousal_, the male's blood rushes to his _penis,_ and it becomes erect. _Sperm, _which look like this," she drew a picture on the board, "are the male equivalent to _eggs,_ and collect in the _testicles. _During _orgasm_, the _sperm _leaves the _testicles _and travels through the _penis _into the girl's _vagina." _

And so it went on. The section on female anatomy was even more embarrassing than the male's, with girls seated on the desks, their legs spread wide, trying to make their private areas as visible as possible. Various holes were pointed out, as well as different spots that, "when poked, causes pleasure for the woman". Marbaline explained in detail several ways in which these spots could be reached, causing the entire class—even Malfoy—to blush Gryffindor red.

After anatomy was birth control. "Remember, if you don't master this charm before we move on to the next section, you will end up with both more detention and more small children than you probably want to deal with at this time," she warned. For some reason, the class mastered the charm much more quickly than they'd ever done with any charm in Charms.

And then came the time they'd all been dreading the most (except Crabbe, who'd been looking forward to it): "Okay class, are we ready to give it a try?" Unfortunately, it was a rhetorical question.

Suddenly Harry had a thought. One of many, really, but this one was worth being written down and preserved forever in the story. STDs. What if Parkinson had STDs? He was sure she'd slept with quite a few guys, and he didn't trust her to be clean. There was no way in hell he was coming down with Herpes or Chlamydia or some magical disease or something, not for a silly little grade. Ginny would never forgive him, and that was a longer-term problem than failing Health, he was sure.

He raised his hand. "Yes, Harry?"

"What about STDs?" he asked.

Marbaline blinked, confused. "What about them?" she asked. "We won't cover that until next week."

"No," said Harry, "what if our partner has them?"

Marbaline blinked again, even more confused. "Why would your partner have them?" she asked. Meanwhile, Pansy was busy forcefully slapping Harry for his question.

"Are you implying I'm a slut?" she yelled. "Is that what you're trying to say? Why don't you just say it, why don't you just say 'I think Pansy is a slut and I'm afraid she'll give me diseases'? Well for your information, I was saving myself for marriage. And I _still am!" _With that, she burst into tears and ran from the room.

There was a short stunned silence which Marbaline broke with her belated answer to Harry's question. "STD stands for Sexually Transmitted Disease, Harry. That means it's transmitted..."

But Harry wasn't listening. Harry was thinking about the implications of Pansy's admission. _He _had more experience than _her? _It was a weird thought, one he'd never considered before. It also meant that he was more of a slut than Parkinson was. If sleeping with your girlfriend made you a slut. Harry decided that it didn't, and got on with his life.

"Hey, does this mean I don't have to do the assignment anymore?" he asked, interrupting Marbaline's rambling answer to his last question.

Marbaline stopped, confused at the sudden change of topics. "Um, I suppose so," she said, not feeling up to suggesting that he help her in demonstrations. Harry let out a whoop and went to sit with Goyle to observe without participating.

"Now," she continued, "before sex, it is important to engage in foreplay."

Harry realized immediately that watching was almost worse than participating. He felt like a voyeur, and he wasn't really a fan of that sort of thing. On the other hand, at least now he didn't have to go explain to Ginny how he'd been forced to have sex with Pansy Parkinson. He wasn't too sure how she would've taken that, but certainly it wouldn't have gone well.

The teacher was still talking. "I'll let you keep your shirts on, because I realize you're all a little embarrassed by this situation," she said. "Now, it is traditional in the world of fanfiction for the man to play first with one breast and then the other."

No one moved. Hermione was busy appreciating the humor in her understatement, Ron was trying to figure out what she was talking about when she said 'fanfiction,' and everyone else was just sort of in shock at what they were supposed to do.

"Well?" prompted Marbaline when no one started fornicating. "Come on, boys! Fondle away! Reach up under her shirt, and run a finger over her nipple. Give it a pinch."

"GAH!" Malfoy just couldn't stand it anymore. All this careful analysis and strict procedure... that wasn't how it was done! While everyone else fumbled away trying to follow the professor's instructions, he took matters into his own hands.

To say Hermione was surprised when Malfoy suddenly attacked her lips with his would be an understatement to rival Marbaline's famous one a few paragraphs ago. Yet it didn't take long before her surprise faded to approval, as it always does in stories like these.

Soon she forgot everything that was going on around her—not an easy task—and concentrated only on the feel of Malfoy's lips. His kiss was much wetter than those she had received before, and far more passionate. But it wasn't so much a lusty passion as it was a passionate hatred. He kissed her savagely, forcefully. Before she could even grasp the situation, his tongue was moving around in her mouth and it was all she could do to keep up, her relative inexperience making itself well known as she sort of flailed her tongue around in response. For some reason, the thought of pushing him away and sticking to the teacher's instructions never occurred to her.

It was as if he was trying to climb into her mouth, tongue first. Or at least that was the thought that fluttered around in her dazed mind as his teeth pressed against hers and it seemed impossible for the kiss to get any deeper. Perhaps he was trying to devour her, as kisses were often described, but if that's what he was attempting she was having much better luck with it than he was, what with his tongue halfway down her throat already.

He pulled back for a moment, probably to catch his breath, and stared at her. She stared back, flushed and disheveled, as per all the clichés. What he didn't know was that she was taking advantage of this short break to reorganize her thoughts. She sorted them into rows, and the rows into columns, and when every thought she'd had in the last six and a half years were all gridded into in a nice big square, they clicked together and everything made sense. At least for the moment.

"Malfoy..." she hissed quietly, and leaned forward to kiss him.

Every burst of anger she'd ever felt for the Slytherin, she somehow forced into that kiss. She kissed him like she'd never even dreamed of kissing anyone before. Teeth clashed again, and their passion filled the room. Metaphorically. Their tongues battled for dominance, after Malfoy realized what was going on, and gradually, their anger and hatred transformed into lust.

Marbaline took that moment to interrupt their horribly written and cliché (but super hot) kiss with a hand to each of their shoulders and a critical "Mr. Malfoy! Miss Granger! No no, you're doing it wrong. You should be focused on tender caresses, not eating each other's faces."

Draco and Hermione looked at her blankly for a moment. They realized that the entire class had stopped what they were doing to stare. Then, "Bloody hell! Fuck this shit!" cried Draco. He took Hermione by the hand and strode out of the room to properly finish what they'd begun, in the privacy of somewhere more private.

Hermione disentangled her hand from his as they passed through the doorway, but it was only to lean into the room with an innocent smile, and pull the door shut behind them with a click.

Neither Hermione nor Draco got credit for the assignment, which was a pity since they were really the only ones who benefited from it.

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**A/N: **I'm sorry that this story now exists. =D I was gonna keep going, but I realized there was only so long I could make fun of my writing before it became apparent that I had no idea what I was talking about. I mean, uh... uh... I think it ends nicely there, don't you?

Also, _please_ tell me if you find any horrible spelling (or factual) mistakes. They're awfully embarrassing.

Comprehension Questions:

[...]

5. _Thinking. _How ridiculous would you allow a school assignment to be before you refused to do it, and why?


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